I don’t know you anymore. You are not the man I fell in love with, YOU are not the father my children love, YOU are crystal meth now. You love it, you fuck it, you have become it. You run to it faster than you run to your children, if it calls you are there, if it says jump you’ll say how high…literally. How high are you today?? Did you forget that you called yesterday and wanted to see your children today? Did you forget that I said yes come over they miss and need a father, my only requirements are that YOU.BE.SOBER.

I am NOT asking too much. I am NOT power tripping, I am NOT trying to control you.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU? To the man i love? to the father of my children, to my partner in life? where did you go? I want you back, but this…THIS?? this isn’t you. I don’t even know who YOU are now. Where did you go? We really really miss you. More than crystal meth will even let you know. We love you, and I’m sick and fucking tired of telling my children, OUR children, that daddy is sick and can’t come over until he’s better. That you miss and love them too and one day we hope he gets better so that he can come play with us again.

You know what my daughter said in preschool today? As the teacher went around the classroom and asked everyone what they call their dad ( dad, pa, pop, daddy, papa etc. ) Instead of answering, she said “I moved away from my daddy because he’s sick and didn’t remember how to stop yelling”

Where are you? Where have you gone? Where is the amazing, incredible father my children once had. Who they love so much? who they miss so much? who they need in their life so badly? Where are you? When will crystal meth not be more than US again? when?

I like to walk around with my ego on each shoulder, directing every step through its voices in my ear, thats me the EGO. So cool and clean, don’t be fooled if you can resist but I will try and try again because I can. So strong I can turn my fears into triumphs and victories, but for today, i will just encourage you to take another hit because you won’t get addicted “this time.”

Nevermind, the fact that most of your family from each line, are addicts. Its okay, you’ve got me, your ego. Just try it, you’ll be fine. You can dance with the devil, he’s a friend of mine.

Forget that today was the first day of your children’s school. You fool. Don’t worry that they’ll be home soon.

Whats that you say, you have court soon? Mandatory piss tests on a weekly basis after that, well then you’d better hurry and smoke it while you can, friend.

Its time to go.

If I left him, i’d have to share them though. I cannot trust him alone with my children overnight. I get worried enough with a couple of hours. Going out of town makes me a mess. It can’t happen. How can I leave him, without having to give him supervised visits. I could fight him in court, but I don’t want to do that, with my daughters father. I have to embrace him and help him come to the point of being trustable.

He resists though.

That is our cycle, and we go through it over and over again. One day out of the month, or maybe 2 we get along, the rest are miserable. The garage is more and more his home, and its a mess. A complete mess. It looks like an addicts mess. Where did he disappear to tonight?

Tonight we were at our neighbors house for dinner. I was playing with our daughters inside for 30 minutes. I go out and he is gone. I walk back to our house to see what he was doing, and he wasn’t there. His car was gone. He was gone a further 45 minutes.

Everyone wondered where he went. I wish I had an answer for them instead of pure, hurt, embarrassement. My partner of over a decade just leaves, disappears and doesn’t tell me where he’s going, right in the middle of dinner at a friends.

I did it all with a smile, as we started eating he came back. The wives were eating inside with the children, the men were all outside drinking beer and eating. What is this sexism and disrespect and how did I not see it before we made a family? Why didn’t I see this before? How has he become “this” from what he used to be. He used to be so wonderful.

He doesn’t clean, he doesn’t do dishes, he doesn’t do his laundry. He’s been working on the same project for 6 months that he puts all of his time into when he finally comes home. He’s never on time, taking wierd phone calls… breaks almost everything he touches.

He used to care so much about me. It was him who got me off of all of my medication for ADD that i never had and never needed to suppress with pills. It was him who got me to search… It was him who made me feel so wonderful about myself and be myself, and now we’re here. Hating eachother. We hate eachother. I want to yell at him for drinking at our neighbors still, he’s still there. No he didn’t help me put the children to bed or bring them home, he stayed to drink. I’m happy he’s gone. Happy he’s disrespecting our family because I’d rather not see him.

Employment, I need employment. Every time I get a job he comes and ruins it by not showing up in time to watch our children. He’s always late. Or drunk. He’s unreliable. If he’s sober and not working on the fucking project, he’s a great father. All he needs to be is motivated. He blames his lack of motivation on me, he doesn’t want to be around me. He says when I’m not here its great. Well, i will never leave my children. Never.

I take care of our children all fucking week long. The house is clean, the dishes are done, the laundry is clean, the fish are fed, the house is clean, the house is clean, the house…is CLEAN.

One day out of the fucking week, i ask you to watch them. ONE FUCKING DAY.

How is it that from 11:00 am to 6:30 pm YOU MESS THE HOUSE FROM THE FRONT TO THE BACK AND DON’T PICK UP AFTER YOUR-FUCKING-SELF OR OUR BEAUTIFUL GIRLS? Why is it that before I could type out this fucking post, i had to pick up jelly off of our couch. On the way to the Kitchen, I stepped on a piece of pizza crust, that was left on a blanket that you put on the floor for them to eat on.

Do you remember me telling you WHY i moved their table out of the living room? Because eating in the living room, infront of the TV isn’t healthy for beautiful little girls. The kitchen table is where food is to be eaten. Not the couch, not the floor, not the bedroom (which btw, I also picked up another blanket in and this time removed the string cheese off of it before doing so. )

There is a sink FULL OF DISHES. FULL. To the VERY RIM. The laundry that was sitting in the laundry basket this morning when I went to school IS STILL FUCKING SITTING THERE, only now, it has more clothing on top of it that I picked up off of the bathroom floor from where YOU took your clothes off before you took a shower. Its not hard to bend the fuck over and throw your clothing right outside of the door into the laundry room, into the hamper.

Its also not so fucking hard to pick up after yourself and our children. I DO IT EVERY SINGLE DAY. Now tomorrow, I’m going to have to do it TWICE as much, you know why? because you didn’t do SHIT today.

Don’t even get me started on the paint I had to remove from their hair because they got into my acrylic paints. What in the hell were you thinking putting my acrylic paints into their clubhouse next to their easles? What in the hell were you thinking leaving their acrylic covered clothing in a heap on the laundry room floor when the basket is less than 5 inches away, and better yet, the WASHING MACHINE less than a foot away.

So where the fuck are you now? You’re next fucking door having a beer, or two, or three with the neighbor. How conveinent for YOU. How conveinent that you DIDN’T help me clean the girls up, you didn’t help me put them to bed, you didn’t do MUCH with them today and you know what? I’m fucking pissed.

I’d yell at you, oh yes I would scream at you if I could, but i can’t. Because my prescious angels are in the other room sleeping, and I wouldnt want to scare them so I sit here and I type this. When you come home tonight, know damn well that you are sleeping on this couch. That you are not wanted anywhere in sight from me, and that I don’t even want to hear you breathe unless you are cleaning this pigsty of a mess that your sloppy ass made and didn’t clean up. I am so sick of your shit.

Bitch.

AS FUCKING IF.